Self Awareness

Here I am at 51 years old, looking for what will make me happy, whole, worthy.  I spend way too much time on Facebook because I crave the social interaction and I need constant reassurance  that I am intelligent enough, that  I look good enough, that I'm fit enough, that I'm just good enough in general.  At this age I really should be over it.  Recently I took a step back and looked at my social media self objectively.  I didn't like what I saw.  Judging by my Facebook page, I look like the most self absorbed, narcissistic person on the planet, but the truth is I am completely unsure of myself in all of those areas.  I post too many pictures of myself and talk too much about myself, looking for approval.  I share opinions that I definitely believe, but maybe not in the best, most constructive way.  Sure, I suppose the point of Facebook is to express oneself and share moments and photos and jokes and what have you, but I do it to excess.  I'm not showing people who I really am.  I'm showing them a collage of "happy" photo moments that may or may not be real or I'm sharing an opinion in an abrasive way.

What did I do before Facebook?  Was I better in real life situations?  Has social media stilted me and made me someone I wouldn't otherwise be?  Is it holding me back from living an authentic life?

I appreciate living in this age of advanced technology and social media.  I love being able to communicate with family and old friends.  I have really enjoyed getting to know people who I would have never met in real life.  Some of these people have become true forever friends. It's gratifying to find other people who share my opinions, as well as those who vehemently disagree but can have a civil debate without us ripping each other apart.  I enjoy seeing new babies and growing children and life challenges being met and exceeded by my friends.  I like being able to share in the joys of each others' lives and I like being able to offer support to those who are going through tough times.

Social media is not all good and it's not all bad.  The challenge is to find that balance of sharing, while not oversharing, of being able to distinguish between what I would say in real life to an actual person in front of me and what I'll say behind the computer screen.

I'm sure these issues are not unique to me, but I don't want to be the person I sometimes come across as on Facebook.  I want to be the real me, a decent, caring, generous, sometimes very insecure person.  That's not to say I won't still have strong opinions and voice them.  If we believe in something we should speak out about it.  I would get bored just reading and posting about rainbows and unicorns all day long.  Controversy is good and it makes us think.  Sometimes a good Facebook debate among intelligent people gives me different perspectives on issues that I wouldn't otherwise have.  Again, it's balance.

For now, though, I'm going to delete a bunch of photos (except the really good ones, haha :) ) and take a couple of days off.